This past Full Moon I carved out some sacred time for myself. And what a time it was. Sometimes I can forget how eye opening, how relaxing, how confronting, how sacred it is. It was a moment of clarity, of being able to take some distance, of insight.
I tried my best at asking myself tough questions that needed to be asked. Ones like why am I feeling this? Why am I experiencing this? What’s it rooted in? Why do I believe these limiting thoughts? What is this mental, emotional and spiritual wall I am hitting? Why on Earth is it there? Why am I holding my own process of manifestation back? Why am I blocking my own road of growth, of expansion? Why am I blocking my own road to my true self? And when will I fully believe in my true self? When will I allow myself to do all I want? When will I decide now is as good as any other moment. When will I stop holding myself back? My Goddess those questions are tough because to realize no one is holding me back but me, is a tough pill to swallow but it above all is painfully honest. It is where my answer lies.
I turned quiet. After shooting all those questions towards myself it was time to only breathe. To not be judgmental, to simply sit with myself and to just be. It wasn’t about being hard on myself but about being real honest with myself. To not judge but to see it for what it is. To see it from a distance, to observe myself, my thoughts and my actions. And then I tried my very best to answer myself real raw and honest.
When is it – finally – time to let self doubt go? The thing is whatever the history of the wound may be it most probably is not my own fault that it exists but healing it, is my responsibility. You know, I learned it is a lot about self doubt ánd fear. Because letting go of all the limiting thinking, no matter how limiting it may be and deciding to trust myself, the Universe; in the unknown can be real scary. Because at least with my past behavior I will know the outcome. It can be determined, it can be predicted. Completely trusting myself and the Cosmos takes courage. Certain patterns of my behavior I need to let go of to get a different result. Only I can give myself everything I truly am and long for. I am learning it’s something like this for me, waking up each morning and consciously deciding what I believe, what I am going to do and who I feel like I truly am. I wrote, look at it as if I am letting go of a glass and letting it hit the ground. BAM! Like that each day again and again I can decide to let all I am not and all the limiting thoughts go. BAM! I have to show up for myself, it’s about doing the work that’s necessary. I am finding strength in repetition. Sitting with myself each morning, checking in. Sitting down, taking my time, listening. Diving within. Asking myself questions, turning silent. Consistency is key, I think should be my mantra. All the answers, the strength, the growth, the willpower, the medicine, the healing resides within me. Something I recently read ‘You have the tools, you are just distracted´ really resonated with me. I found so much truth in that sentence. Getting to the root of my self doubt and my fear can be real triggering. Challenging the limiting thinking is triggering the limiting thinking. It is all about having to break through the cycle and that’s real, real tough most the time.
I am finding such beautiful lessons to learn from. I am learning that fear is inviting me to be courageous. Moving through fear means growth. I am not going to let fear decide on where my limits are. Through pushing through, breaking old cycles and patterns, consistently checking in with myself I am expanding myself, creating room for growth.
Through the whole process of becoming aware of my self doubt, fear & all my limiting thoughts, pushing myself where it’s necessary and crossing my own set limits I remind myself to also be real gentle with myself. Reminding myself I deserve all the flowers, all the self love. I am my own answer.
IJsselvrouw 