There are conversations that can carry so much weight. Filled with words that can wound. If like they have sharp teeth. But I have found the weight is mostly present before and during the spoken words. Afterwards it creates open air, some kind of an exhale. An exhale in tears, in understanding, in listening. An exhale into the truth.
The past month and a half have felt like that. It turned into my mission to speak clearly what it is I am feeling, what I am experiencing, what I am hearing. What my needs are, what I long for. I very consciously desired to ask myself those questions and to answer them in spoken word. To share them with the humans around me. And I needed to ask them those same questions. I needed to speak my truth into existence. And I heard my ears wanting to listen to other people. What is it you are saying? And can I offer my help in listening to what you are hearing. The past six to seven weeks stand for listening to my inner self and saying out loud what I longed to verbalize in the most profound way I was able to. And where I felt I could and where it was necessary to help others during those conversations either with others or themselves.
Lately the words that keep coming to me real strong are, my own presence is my medicine.
And my Goddess, that sums it all up. Only when I take the time to sit with myself, to become quiet, to – simply- feel is where I can find my healing. Because when I create space for emotions, questions, for silence I can receive medicine. Only then can I dive deeper into other layers. What is this emotion? What is its origin? What can it teach me? To be present within the deepest sorrow, the deepest doubts, the deepest fear all I need is my own presence. To carve out time for myself to receive medicine, to heal.
With the changing of the seasons, something became even more apparent. We do not only need the dark, the shadow, no. It is part of us. It used to frighten me tremendously especially because it was a dark pool of unfamiliar matter. When I toe by toe stepped deeper into this dark pool, I realized I was swimming in a part of myself I hardly knew. A part of me I didn’t give much attention to, let alone give acceptance or love to because it scared me. A dark pool of hurt, confusion, fear, sadness, sorrow, doubt that needed to be seen, heard, loved, it needed to be allowed to be, it needed warm hugs. This Autumn, I think for the first time – even though I miss the warm Sun – I am fully open to receive its medicine. To see the dark blanket as a warm cover, a warm invitation to dive deep within. To slide down into my shadow self.
Today, I embrace the Full Moon. She’s bright and full against the dark sky. I can’t put my finger on what it exactly is yet but I feel a shift, a becoming that is softly boiling. A fullness about to be birthed. A rising from deep depths, a brightness from the darkness. The change of the seasons, the month of November, the planets, the many hours of darkness, the cold air, the Full Moon… it all seems to encourage this shift I am feeling. So I am going to sit with her. Turn quiet, listen and be present.
Bathe in the energy of this beautiful Full Moon and feel yourself coming to fullness.
IJsselvrouw 