Diving Inside

August is almost over and new things are on my horizon. This Summer has been a strange one. A fast one, a relaxed one, an on-most-days-hot one, a new-beginning-kinda one.

Lately I have been thinking about themes that keep coming back into my life. With the last eclipse of this year on August 11th, I have been looking back on the past year (meaning August ‘17 – August ‘18). I read somewhere that “the significance of solar eclipses is that they’re all part of the same continuous series. Each new one represents the end of something as well as a new beginning”. I looked back on this time last year and on my intentions I set on the New Moon and eclipse of 22/8/2017 which were: to find peace in being in the Netherlands, to simply paint, to work at a place I believe in, to meet people with the same interests, to find a balance in being happy with what right now consists out of and to always move and grow further and lastly, to be the person I want to be; the one who’s hiding inside. Through focusing on these intentions a lot of them sprouted and grew, some easier than others. One beautiful thing I profoundly learned about processes is that it can be hard, to easy, to hard yet again but throughout it, it gets clearer and clearer where I should do things differently. And that’s where I am finding myself very consciously lately.
This past year’s headline could have been ‘plunging inside’. Funny enough, first I did so very consciously but when I did, the ocean’s body turned out bigger than I had thought. For a long time I felt like I had to keep on swimming and I had to keep my head above the water. But then it became inevitable, plunging turned into diving inside. Having zero clue of where I was going apart from simply diving deeper and deeper. Which scared me. I bumped into things I thought I had processed. I didn’t want to meet up with all of that again but I knew I had to. I could feel it.

In January I felt like I had become the body of the ocean. Nowhere inside of me did I find solid ground. No roots, no firm ground. It was fucking tough but also fucking reality. I knew, I mean I could feel it in my deepest sense of being that it also really was time to swim through it, dive through it. It was so extremely necessary. Even though I felt lost, I didn’t allow myself to take it slow. I mean, we can be so hard on ourselves. I didn’t allow myself to pause, to rest. I had linked self love and self worth on external things. When I went through that particular process I also felt the need to write it down, you can read about it here. By the end of February I had to quit work and I needed to pause, to rest to be able to create space and time for healing. In March I had to face another reality. “Fuck, I have no clue how to do this by myself.” I remember feeling scared and proud – and yes, also feeling disappointed in not being able to do it by myself – when I decided to go into creative therapy. A sweet, gentle and warm hearted soul guided me through my body of an ocean via creative therapy combined with meditation, working with clay and shamanism. I was able to create my own space of firm ground. But a space that was entirely my own personal firm and solid ground. A space which isn’t depended on nor intertwined with other people. Slowly I brought myself back to my own inner being. I am bringing myself home, still. In June my sessions came to an end. Previous I had felt nervous but throughout the months as I got to know my own solid ground, the nervousness started to slowly vanish as well.

For the past year it has all been about ‘who am I?’ I learned that there’s strength in not knowing or partially not knowing who you are. Because really, what does define that? People? Experiences? Family? All the external things I do or do not do? The not knowing created space for processes, for growth. The answer, for me, I have somewhat stumbled upon is; growing inner roots. Through my therapy I got to know them. That they exist but needed attention, love and care to grow. They had felt so foreign to me when I had to visualize them, feel them. But with each time when I tried, it was as if I was embracing myself. Allowing myself to be, to grow, to feel lost, to feel hurt, to feel loved, to be.

Above all, this past year has asked me who I am without any external thing or anyone. It has brought up the realization that being alone, doing things for myself and by myself is important because it brings me back to myself. To be able to listen to my heart, I must hear her. I must become quiet. I must be centered, I must grow my inner roots. I must sit with myself by myself. So I can follow her.

This path has shown itself. Even though I have been trying to make different plans, even though I have tried to hide from it, thinking I wasn’t, I was. And although I am scared, I am going to show up for myself. Do what I want to do, even though I am scared. Because my heart is dancing together with my intuition, because it makes my inner fire burn wildly, because it is making my inner roots grow. Because fear is simply part of growth.

I want to end this piece of writing by saying that I feel there’s strength in vulnerability. Because I believe everyone has challenges and by talking and/or writing about them we can make them more human. Coming together in every and all forms, sharing what we feel and go through you can help create space for others to do the same, when you feel called to.
Thank you, I am hoping you are feeling the magic of the Full Moon. Dance, let it all out and let all of you shine.

Gepubliceerd door IJsselvrouw

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