From São Paulo to Source Temple. The bus ride to Guaratingueta took approx. 3 hours and from there to our first workaway we shared a taxi, with two other volunteers, which took another 45 minutes.
Source Temple. Man, really it is still hard to discribe our stay there but especially my very own experience is still tough to write down. I think first and foremost what I should explain is that all thoughts written down apply to me and only me. I would never want to offend anyone. Nor am I saying the way things were done there were ‘wrong’. My thoughts merely reflect the feelings I went through and my state of mind when I was there.
I can been strong minded, almost pigheaded and stubborn at times. The thing is, if I feel strongly about a certain subject, that´s it. That´s how I feel about that subject then. Therefore Tom sometimes calls me ´my freedom warrior´ and I am like what are you talking about? This is just how I feel. When we arrived at Source Temple and I saw a sign which said something about ´god´ my hair was immediately raised and my mind a bit doubtful.
After São Paulo and its urban jungle, my mind was nowhere near willing and ready to get into the ´love is all´ vibe. Every time subjects like this were spoken about my mind couldn´t do it. I said to myself ´Come on guys, there´s real horrible shit happening outside this bubble!´ I couldn´t but also didn´t want to get rid of those feelings. I strongly felt like, I don´t want to close my eyes and be ignorant. I need to open my eyes right now and bare my consciousness to reality.
Especially my first week there I couldn´t ´go with the flow´. My thoughts kept coming back at me. Hello! There´s life out there! Shit! Pain! Unfairness! Division!
But it made me realize this time of my life, I am focusing on other things then questioning and wondering who I am, what I want and where I am going. It very much feels like during our European trip I asked myself those questions and for now at least I know the answers. Right now I have no desire to go back to that beginning again. Right now, I truly feel like I want action, creation, realization. Above all, I think, this time requires different questions.
Looking back now, I see I felt like at this time in my life I could not relate to the ‘tools’ they were offering and the vibe that is present there. I truly realized right now my mind is going through different stuff. I am ‘busy’ with other things, wanting to focus on other matters. These differences, if you will, made it more tough for me to connect to Source Temple but above all I learned that is ok.
I told myself ok, just focus on your own thoughts, write them down, give them room to breathe and grow and allow yourself to be less tense and relax through the process. Once I did that it also became easier to be less tense about the place as well. I could look at it all from a bit of a distance. I ended up really enjoying the people and the surrounding nature.
One thing I will carry with me forever is, one of the permanent residents there told me she always really first tries to think of her partner in any and all situations. So, even for example when you are really thirsty to first think of the other and offer your partner the glass of water first. I found so much love and warmth within that gesture. I told myself I really want to carry that memory with me always and truly ´practice´ it.
Along with that I saw hummingbirds. They remind me of my time in the US back when I was sixteen. It was like, yes, I am really here. I am in Brazil and fuck yes, here October means the start of spring! Plus I learned rice and beans is the perfect food combination, pretty much every day, all day.
Upon my first arrival it made me feel like I had to ignore things, abandon the profound thoughts I was having. If like I had to adapt to their vibe and once I realized I did not have to, I could feel myself becoming less and less tense about it all.
Maybe I didn´t have the deepest connection with Source Temple but I realized that is also okay. I couldn´t close my eyes, right after they felt like they had been opened wide. But each process is a process so here´s to that, truly.